If Modsouls Had Hearts
by Yura-chan
Summary: Because Kon loves them, and even if they don't notice, Kon knows it's the best thing to ever happen to him. WARNING: mentions of shonen-ai and het.


Kon wonders sometimes, about his gender. He doesn't really have one (he is nothing but a soul, a pill created for battle. How could a pill have a gender?), but he is a 'he' nonetheless. Sometimes, he thinks that it might have been Ichigo's fault. The first body he came into contact with was a male teenager who (and no matter how much Ichigo tries to hide it, Kon knows, in a way no other can) was thrumming with testosterone. When he first flexed his new muscles, and later, when the adrenaline started flowing, Kon's impressionable mind quickly adapted the idea of 'male' into his identity.

But sometimes, when Kon sits on Ichigo's desk in the middle of the night and watches him sleep, he wishes that it had been Rukia's body he'd entered first. Because if he was female, it wouldn't have been strange for him to slide into Ichigo's bed, curl up in his strong arms, and sooth the frown from his face (the frown that is always there, even in sleep when he should be relaxed and not have a worry in the world). He wants to press a soft body against him and silently remind him that he has someone who needs him (not the Shinigami, not the Vizard, but him, Kurosaki Ichigo). He wants to be the one who makes him smile like he means it (because, dear God, when he smiles he makes the sun rise, and Kon knows it sounds sappy but really doesn't care), because Ichigo only smiles for real at his sisters, and even then it is half-hearted. Because when Ichigo is happy, Kon is floating on air.

But then he would hear the door behind him slide open (hesitantly, always so hesitantly, as if frightened to be heard), and Rukia would snatch him up and dash back to the closet. She would (shyly at first, because no matter what she wants people to believe, she's a girl too, and easily embarrassed) cuddle up with him and press him to her chest (and at that moment Kon is thankful of being male). Then, Kon wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around her, brush her hair from her face and kiss her. He wants to protect her tiny body (not fit to wield a sword, not fit for fighting monsters, not fit for being harmed) from the night and all its dangers. He wants to tell her everything will be alright and make her believe him. Because Kon loves Rukia, and he only wants her to be happy.

And sometimes, when Ichigo and Rukia are at school and he is all alone, he would wonder about that too (because he is a pill, a soul meant for nothing but combat. How could such an existence feel love or happiness?). But he knows he loved Kuchiki Rukia just as surely as he knows the sun will rise every morning.

When he looks at her, he sees a woman who was deathly afraid of growing close to people, because everyone of those she cared for are torn from her. He sees a woman who despises combat but refuses to be protected, and who would rather die than be powerless to protect the few who had gotten close. He sees the woman who disobeyed Soul Society's orders to save him from destruction, oblivion, _hell_. He sees the woman who will forever hold his gratitude, affection and loyalty.

But as much as he loves Kuchiki Rukia, as loyal as he is to her, it is nothing next to the complete _devotion_ he holds for Kurosaki Ichigo. He doesn't love Ichigo, he _needs_ him (more than he needs air, more than he needs life, more than he needs _the world_) and he have long since accepted that Kurosaki Ichigo is the centre around which his universe revolves. He'd be devastated if Rukia was taken from him (but force, by her will, by death), but if Ichigo was, he would die.

And that scares him. Not just the thought of death, but that he would so easily throw his hard-won life away (and not just his life, but his principles too, because if Kurosaki Ichigo asked him to fight and kill, he would).

And sometimes, when Kon watches them both leave to fight Hollows, and possibly never come back again (because despite how powerful Ichigo is, despite how capable Rukia is, it is still a fight, and one lucky shot is all it takes), he wonders why Soul Society gave them emotions. Because he knows that he would be able to handle the nights they are gone much easier if he didn't care. And he knows that without emotions he would be able to relax, maybe get some sleep, or go out and explore, and not just sit by the window and worry until they came back (and sometimes he has to fight himself to not go out looking for them, because _damn it_, the reasons for his existence might be dying somewhere!). Ichigo never notices (and despite how much he loves him, Kon has to admit that Ichigo can be hella unobservant sometimes), and Rukia doesn't think about it at all (and despite how much he loves _her_, Kon has to admit she can be a little self-centred sometimes).

But then, Kon thinks, without his emotions he would never have fallen in love with them, would never have been able to laugh with them, would never have been able to worry about them (and no matter how much he hates it, it's still a hundred times better than _not caring_ ever will be), and that makes it worth it. And even though nothing will ever come out of loving them, Kon still thinks that falling for Ichigo (the stubborn, idiotic, reckless, selfless, loving, hero-complex _moron_) or Rukia (the stubborn, argumentative, self-centred, insecure, beautiful, caring _loud-mouth_) is the best thing that ever happened to him.

And when he sits by the window to watch them argue (_"God damn it, Chibi, it's my freakin' closet! Get the fuckin' rabbits out of it!" "Shut up you fool, and bring me the comforter!"_), he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if modsouls had hearts, his would be soaring.

A character study about Kon, because I think he's more serious than he lets on. (And because Kon needs more love, damn it!)


End file.
